Baby Showers, Bridal Showers and Other Bullshit

Leave it to members of my family to be passive-aggressive in telling me that whatever I might have on my plate isn't as important was what they want.

Here's the situation. My older brother and his wife live in Dallas, about seven hours away from the rest of the "core" family. My sister-in-law, Lindsay, is pregnant. It is her first child, and therefore, the first grandchild for my parents. It's a big deal and everybody is excited about it (hopefully). Including me--I had been trying to nonchalantly find out for a few weeks what the colors were for the nursery so I could quilt the baby a blanket. It's a little known secret about me: I love to sew, and I'm especially good at quilts. I'm also incredibly broke, so I can't afford to get super-nice, expensive baby items that are no doubt dotting the registry (and knowing how my brother and his wife always treat my gifts, whatever I try to buy them will just get returned or ignored anyway). But if I do a good enough job on this blanket, maybe it will be something the kid always keeps with him. My grandmother knitted both my twin and I blankets when we were very young, and I actually still have that blanket.

While on the phone with DJ earlier this evening discussing possible gifts for Dad (his birthday is Friday) he mentioned off-handedly that Mom's side is planning on throwing Lindsay a shower in late June. I said that sounds great and asked what date everyone has in mind. DJ said he thought June 23. And I first said "Great!" before remembering that Dionne is having two showers back to back that weekend. So I told him, "Oh, I can't make it, I already have another shower I'm committed to that weekend for Dionne's wedding." And then this silence filled the air, like he was trying to understand how I could possibly "blow off" a family event like Lindsay's baby shower for a non-family event like Dionne's wedding shower.

I don't know if he meant to come across that way, but I went on to explain that I'm a bridesmaid and because it's only Amy and I, we're planning it and we need to be there, and I don't want to over commit myself on that day because not only will I have D's shower, I'll also be right in the middle of summer school (with a math class, the worst possible class I could take since my learning disability and accomodations were never formally recognized by the school) and no doubt working more than 40 hours a week just to ensure I have enough money to return to school in the fall without doing debate. And he just stayed really silent, before finally ending, "Well, if you can't make it, I guess you can't make it." Like I would really make it to Lindsay's shower if it was important enough to me to do so, regardless of whatever else I have on my plate.

So then I called Mom to try and get more specific details about the shower that has apparently been planned for a while but that I've heard nothing about. Mom confirmed the date, and simply because I'm a masochist who really wants to try to please my family, I asked what time to see if I can't actually do both in the same day even though they'll be in completely opposite parts of town. But then Mom told me the exact time we had already talked about for Dionne's shower, and I had to tell her to that I can't make it, there's just no way because I have yet to invent a flux capacitor, to which she snapped, "Yeah, that's getting to be pretty typical with you, isn't it? You can never take the time out of your busy schedule to grace us all with your presence."

I wish I could say I was shocked, but I'm not. Her response was pretty similar when I called to announce my engagement to B. Whenever I call, regardless of the reason, it turns into a guilt-trip of how I don't go and see her enough, how I'm always blowing off the family and I don't make enough of an effort for anybody besides myself. She doesn't understand that this is precisely why I don't want to see her or most of her family--emotional manipulation is a poor quality for anyone to have, and many of them have it in spades. When I don't go, all anybody can apparently talk about is how I think I'm too good to show up to family functions (nevermind that I either don't get enough notice to request off from work to attend or have obligations I can't miss, such as a debate tournament) and when I do go, all anybody can talk about (to me) is how I never come to any of these bullshit functions! Although "talk" isn't the appropriate word--it's more like "make jokes that aren't funny at Ashley-Michelle's expense about how she thinks she's too good for all of us because she's a woman trying to be college-educated and better get our digs in now because we don't know when we're going to see her again."

I just can't fucking win in this goddamn family.

So, I'm sitting here pissed off because I'm going to miss Lindsay's baby shower (I'm not going to back out on D) and as a result I'm going to have to deal with bullshit from my mother and most likely DJ too. And really, why the hell is my presence so fucking important? There were events in my life that were important that they didn't bother showing up to because they had their reasons, and I respected that. I didn't guilt-trip them or make them feel like terrible because they couldn't make it. I was an adult and said no hard feelings. No event is so important that missing it means somebody deserves to be treated like shit, especially if they have a legitimate reason for missing, such as a pre-existing obligation that directly conflicts.

Whatever temptation I might have had to pull out of D's shower has been completely killed. Why would I want to give up something I'm really looking forward to and already obligated to for people that apparently don't respect that I have a life outside of them and their wants? I'm so tired of bending over backwords for my mother and my siblings and getting nothing in return, even a little break.

This is why there is a real push in modern psychotherapy to develop your own support system outside of the family--because the latest wealth of research is beginning to understand just how toxic the nuclear family really is!