Today was Dionne's bridal shower, something that was both a success and a disaster at the same time.
To begin with, nobody showed up, except for Jordan. So it was a small, intimate affair. Amy and I had planned a scrapbooking shower for her, but it went away from that and instead we just munched on Chinese food and then went shopping at Target. And after going shopping for several hours, Amy and I have agreed we will never go shopping with or likely hang out with Jordan again.
I know it probably speaks poorly of me to rant about someone here, but I am shocked and appalled at the way D was treated and as she is one of my friends, I feel the need to comment on it.
Jordan has a very domineering personality, whereas Dionne has always been very indecisive and almost submissive around such women because of her background with her mom. I've been described as having a very strong, independent personality, but I'm not controlling, which is why Dionne has never interacted that way with me. Anyway, while we were shopping, Jordan picked out probaby 40 different things for Dionne, from swimming suits to housing accessories and it was incredible to watch how she honestly ordered Dionne to get this, get that, try that on or put this back. Amy and I were amazed as she micro-managed Dionne's purchases and Dionne just took it.
At dinner, it came out that Jordan had decided to throw Dionne a house-warming party (Dionne is moving to Lawrence at the end of next week) and had already come up with the guest list, the invitations, the food selections. Amy and I exchanged glances and I knew we were feeling the same thing: annoyed and hurt, because we're Dionne's best friends, and Jordan hadn't even thought to include us. I even looked at Amy and raised my eyebrows in our code of, Is this chick for real? It only got worse as Jordan told us our itinerary and dress code for the various wedding-related events coming up, including what kind of make-up we'd be expected to wear ("Dionne needs to be the one standing out, so be prepared to buy brown and pink eye shadow") and suggesting that we buy another pair of shoes, on top of the pair we already purchased for the ceremony.
In it's own way, it was absolutely insane. I've heard of bride-zillas, mom-zillas and even mom-in-law-zillas (hey, I had one of those) but a not-actually-a-member-of-the-wedding-zilla?
I really feel like all the experiences I've had being in Dionne's wedding since she let Jordan take over would make great material for a book, much like one I read shortly before I got married called Diary of a Mad Bride. Since Jordan's role is Personal Attendant, maybe I'll entitle this memoir Diary of a Mad Personal Attendant Victim.
The bright side is that Dionne clearly enjoyed herself, and Amy and I were able to behave around Jordan. Not saying anything about how she was treating one of my best friends like mud goes against everything that seems innate to my being, but I had to think of Dionne's welfare and stress level, and somehow I doubt declaring open war on Jordan in the lingerie aisle of Target would have accomplished much from a productive standpoint, and I know Amy feels the same way.
And I got to take home all the Chinese food, because once we were done shopping, the other girls didn't want to dig through the cartons to figure out what belongs to who, so I now have six little boxes of Chinese take-out in my fridge. There's lunch for a week!
I also managed to find a body pillow (I've really wanted one for a while now, so that I can take half the pillows off my bed and stash them in the closet for guests) and some earrings to a necklace that I didn't have any for. And heck, we got ice cream, so really, how much complaining can I do?
I will say this much for Jordan. There is no doubt she has relieved a lot of the stress Dionne is under by taking a few of the more troublesome tasks off her hands. I wish that I had thought to trust someone (heck, anyone--I had eight bridesmaids!) enough to ask for their help in those kinds of issues, like mailing out invitations, planning a timeline and arranging hotel accomodations for guests. I wonder how much less frazzled I would have been in the actual pre-wedding process.
In any case, Kourtney is almost here, and we're going to go buy some pants for church and talk about life.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Baby Showers, Bridal Showers and Other Bullshit
Leave it to members of my family to be passive-aggressive in telling me that whatever I might have on my plate isn't as important was what they want.
Here's the situation. My older brother and his wife live in Dallas, about seven hours away from the rest of the "core" family. My sister-in-law, Lindsay, is pregnant. It is her first child, and therefore, the first grandchild for my parents. It's a big deal and everybody is excited about it (hopefully). Including me--I had been trying to nonchalantly find out for a few weeks what the colors were for the nursery so I could quilt the baby a blanket. It's a little known secret about me: I love to sew, and I'm especially good at quilts. I'm also incredibly broke, so I can't afford to get super-nice, expensive baby items that are no doubt dotting the registry (and knowing how my brother and his wife always treat my gifts, whatever I try to buy them will just get returned or ignored anyway). But if I do a good enough job on this blanket, maybe it will be something the kid always keeps with him. My grandmother knitted both my twin and I blankets when we were very young, and I actually still have that blanket.
While on the phone with DJ earlier this evening discussing possible gifts for Dad (his birthday is Friday) he mentioned off-handedly that Mom's side is planning on throwing Lindsay a shower in late June. I said that sounds great and asked what date everyone has in mind. DJ said he thought June 23. And I first said "Great!" before remembering that Dionne is having two showers back to back that weekend. So I told him, "Oh, I can't make it, I already have another shower I'm committed to that weekend for Dionne's wedding." And then this silence filled the air, like he was trying to understand how I could possibly "blow off" a family event like Lindsay's baby shower for a non-family event like Dionne's wedding shower.
I don't know if he meant to come across that way, but I went on to explain that I'm a bridesmaid and because it's only Amy and I, we're planning it and we need to be there, and I don't want to over commit myself on that day because not only will I have D's shower, I'll also be right in the middle of summer school (with a math class, the worst possible class I could take since my learning disability and accomodations were never formally recognized by the school) and no doubt working more than 40 hours a week just to ensure I have enough money to return to school in the fall without doing debate. And he just stayed really silent, before finally ending, "Well, if you can't make it, I guess you can't make it." Like I would really make it to Lindsay's shower if it was important enough to me to do so, regardless of whatever else I have on my plate.
So then I called Mom to try and get more specific details about the shower that has apparently been planned for a while but that I've heard nothing about. Mom confirmed the date, and simply because I'm a masochist who really wants to try to please my family, I asked what time to see if I can't actually do both in the same day even though they'll be in completely opposite parts of town. But then Mom told me the exact time we had already talked about for Dionne's shower, and I had to tell her to that I can't make it, there's just no way because I have yet to invent a flux capacitor, to which she snapped, "Yeah, that's getting to be pretty typical with you, isn't it? You can never take the time out of your busy schedule to grace us all with your presence."
I wish I could say I was shocked, but I'm not. Her response was pretty similar when I called to announce my engagement to B. Whenever I call, regardless of the reason, it turns into a guilt-trip of how I don't go and see her enough, how I'm always blowing off the family and I don't make enough of an effort for anybody besides myself. She doesn't understand that this is precisely why I don't want to see her or most of her family--emotional manipulation is a poor quality for anyone to have, and many of them have it in spades. When I don't go, all anybody can apparently talk about is how I think I'm too good to show up to family functions (nevermind that I either don't get enough notice to request off from work to attend or have obligations I can't miss, such as a debate tournament) and when I do go, all anybody can talk about (to me) is how I never come to any of these bullshit functions! Although "talk" isn't the appropriate word--it's more like "make jokes that aren't funny at Ashley-Michelle's expense about how she thinks she's too good for all of us because she's a woman trying to be college-educated and better get our digs in now because we don't know when we're going to see her again."
I just can't fucking win in this goddamn family.
So, I'm sitting here pissed off because I'm going to miss Lindsay's baby shower (I'm not going to back out on D) and as a result I'm going to have to deal with bullshit from my mother and most likely DJ too. And really, why the hell is my presence so fucking important? There were events in my life that were important that they didn't bother showing up to because they had their reasons, and I respected that. I didn't guilt-trip them or make them feel like terrible because they couldn't make it. I was an adult and said no hard feelings. No event is so important that missing it means somebody deserves to be treated like shit, especially if they have a legitimate reason for missing, such as a pre-existing obligation that directly conflicts.
Whatever temptation I might have had to pull out of D's shower has been completely killed. Why would I want to give up something I'm really looking forward to and already obligated to for people that apparently don't respect that I have a life outside of them and their wants? I'm so tired of bending over backwords for my mother and my siblings and getting nothing in return, even a little break.
This is why there is a real push in modern psychotherapy to develop your own support system outside of the family--because the latest wealth of research is beginning to understand just how toxic the nuclear family really is!
Here's the situation. My older brother and his wife live in Dallas, about seven hours away from the rest of the "core" family. My sister-in-law, Lindsay, is pregnant. It is her first child, and therefore, the first grandchild for my parents. It's a big deal and everybody is excited about it (hopefully). Including me--I had been trying to nonchalantly find out for a few weeks what the colors were for the nursery so I could quilt the baby a blanket. It's a little known secret about me: I love to sew, and I'm especially good at quilts. I'm also incredibly broke, so I can't afford to get super-nice, expensive baby items that are no doubt dotting the registry (and knowing how my brother and his wife always treat my gifts, whatever I try to buy them will just get returned or ignored anyway). But if I do a good enough job on this blanket, maybe it will be something the kid always keeps with him. My grandmother knitted both my twin and I blankets when we were very young, and I actually still have that blanket.
While on the phone with DJ earlier this evening discussing possible gifts for Dad (his birthday is Friday) he mentioned off-handedly that Mom's side is planning on throwing Lindsay a shower in late June. I said that sounds great and asked what date everyone has in mind. DJ said he thought June 23. And I first said "Great!" before remembering that Dionne is having two showers back to back that weekend. So I told him, "Oh, I can't make it, I already have another shower I'm committed to that weekend for Dionne's wedding." And then this silence filled the air, like he was trying to understand how I could possibly "blow off" a family event like Lindsay's baby shower for a non-family event like Dionne's wedding shower.
I don't know if he meant to come across that way, but I went on to explain that I'm a bridesmaid and because it's only Amy and I, we're planning it and we need to be there, and I don't want to over commit myself on that day because not only will I have D's shower, I'll also be right in the middle of summer school (with a math class, the worst possible class I could take since my learning disability and accomodations were never formally recognized by the school) and no doubt working more than 40 hours a week just to ensure I have enough money to return to school in the fall without doing debate. And he just stayed really silent, before finally ending, "Well, if you can't make it, I guess you can't make it." Like I would really make it to Lindsay's shower if it was important enough to me to do so, regardless of whatever else I have on my plate.
So then I called Mom to try and get more specific details about the shower that has apparently been planned for a while but that I've heard nothing about. Mom confirmed the date, and simply because I'm a masochist who really wants to try to please my family, I asked what time to see if I can't actually do both in the same day even though they'll be in completely opposite parts of town. But then Mom told me the exact time we had already talked about for Dionne's shower, and I had to tell her to that I can't make it, there's just no way because I have yet to invent a flux capacitor, to which she snapped, "Yeah, that's getting to be pretty typical with you, isn't it? You can never take the time out of your busy schedule to grace us all with your presence."
I wish I could say I was shocked, but I'm not. Her response was pretty similar when I called to announce my engagement to B. Whenever I call, regardless of the reason, it turns into a guilt-trip of how I don't go and see her enough, how I'm always blowing off the family and I don't make enough of an effort for anybody besides myself. She doesn't understand that this is precisely why I don't want to see her or most of her family--emotional manipulation is a poor quality for anyone to have, and many of them have it in spades. When I don't go, all anybody can apparently talk about is how I think I'm too good to show up to family functions (nevermind that I either don't get enough notice to request off from work to attend or have obligations I can't miss, such as a debate tournament) and when I do go, all anybody can talk about (to me) is how I never come to any of these bullshit functions! Although "talk" isn't the appropriate word--it's more like "make jokes that aren't funny at Ashley-Michelle's expense about how she thinks she's too good for all of us because she's a woman trying to be college-educated and better get our digs in now because we don't know when we're going to see her again."
I just can't fucking win in this goddamn family.
So, I'm sitting here pissed off because I'm going to miss Lindsay's baby shower (I'm not going to back out on D) and as a result I'm going to have to deal with bullshit from my mother and most likely DJ too. And really, why the hell is my presence so fucking important? There were events in my life that were important that they didn't bother showing up to because they had their reasons, and I respected that. I didn't guilt-trip them or make them feel like terrible because they couldn't make it. I was an adult and said no hard feelings. No event is so important that missing it means somebody deserves to be treated like shit, especially if they have a legitimate reason for missing, such as a pre-existing obligation that directly conflicts.
Whatever temptation I might have had to pull out of D's shower has been completely killed. Why would I want to give up something I'm really looking forward to and already obligated to for people that apparently don't respect that I have a life outside of them and their wants? I'm so tired of bending over backwords for my mother and my siblings and getting nothing in return, even a little break.
This is why there is a real push in modern psychotherapy to develop your own support system outside of the family--because the latest wealth of research is beginning to understand just how toxic the nuclear family really is!
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